WHERE DO YOU GO?

Where do you go
when you turn away
I don’t understand why
you don’t want to stay
I want to connect
And I want to belong
Yet it seems we were hearing
a much different song
Or perhaps you weren’t really
Ever singing along

It’s not easy for me
to let someone in
I want so much to try
but don’t know how to begin
I want to trust you
And I want to believe
Yet over and over
again…
you leave
And I’m left to wonder
Was that even real
Is there anything left to be grieved

There are reasons why
I don’t reach out anymore,
Why the walls that I’ve built
don’t have any doors
I want to know you
I want a new friend
But I don’t know
how many more ends
I can handle
The light has grown dark
I can’t find a candle
And I’ve lost the flame
I’m not even sure of
the rules of the game

I know I am broken
Not easy to reach
It’s pain and it’s damage
that created this breach
I do want to learn
And I do want to grow
But I’ve witnessed so much
that you’ll never know
I try hiding behind it
But I’m guessing it shows
Maybe that’s part
of why everyone goes

I was left behind early
before the start of the race
I carry such shame
and I feel so disgraced
I tried to be good
And I gave it my all
Back then I believed
he was at least ten feet tall.
But in time I would find
That yet he was small
He was also quite evil
and just down the hall

Always there watching us
looking for cues
Trying to decide
which one he should choose
Which one was the weak
And which one the strong
Which one could he mold
into something of use
Which one would stay silent
in the midst of abuse
Which one had no voice
so she couldn’t refuse
And had not the words
nor know how to accuse
Which one could he trap
And then tighten his noose

Even after the passing
of so many years
I can’t let out the anger
much less the tears
I want to let go
I want to move on
I’ve been steadily moving
but going nowhere
I have so much to give
And so much to share
But it’s safer for me
when I try not to care

I’m still so confused
and I don’t understand
Why when I reach out
I don’t find your hand
Nothing to hold
The world feels so cold
The music’s grown softer
I don’t hear a note
And I’ve started to wonder
if it’s all just a joke
I doubt you can see me
Or hear the words I just wrote
But see me or hear me
I’m still just as broke

Where do you go
when you turn away
I don’t understand
why you don’t want to stay
I want to connect
And I want to belong
Yet it’s seems we were hearing
a much different song
It’s only now that I get it
It took me so long
To learn you were never
Even singing along

Patricia A. Murphy
11/12/2017

Photo from Flikr, By John Westrock

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